Good quote

If for company you find a wise and prudent friend who leads a good life,
you should, overcoming all impediments, keep their company joyously and mindfully. - Buddha

Everyone was so amazing

I have been cleaning my apartment. More to the point, I've been purging all the trinkets, papers, notes and cards (and all the bills and boring documents) I've accumulated since I was in college. I've carted this trove around with me for over 15 years. Nearly half of my life and more than half of the time I've been a sentient being with the ability to make a decision to throw something out. (I struggle mightily against the hoarding gene I've inherited from my mother and grandfather.)

I'm actually glad I've kept so much, and at least a quarter of these items are going back in the keepsake box. There's the letters from my grandmother, and my mom's best friend, even a couple of cards from my family that were especially nice (before everything fell apart). But my favorite things are the graduation card that Eshanthika made me, all of the Christmas cards that Judy sent me, and the letters that Alex wrote me while he was teaching English in Japan. More recent acquisitions include a stack of awesome birthday cards from friends over the years.

If I have one regret (though truthfully I have many), it is that I wasn't able to fully appreciate how lovely everyone has been to me over the course of my life, in the moments in which these sentiments were expressed. Life is so busy- mine in particular- and technology makes everything so inconsequential, that I've lost sight of the time and effort that used to go into cultivating friendships. So many letters, emails, conversations, shared experiences.

Like a good little Buddhist, I'll simply express gratitude for the opportunity to realize this now, and hope to take it with me as I go forward.

FOMO

I have a ridiculous fear of missing out (FOMO). I have always been this way, but hopefully I won't always will (if you will). I am currently waffling over my new year's eve plans because I'm afraid something amazing will happen in Sacramento, even though I'd tentatively accepted an invitation to see Trombone Shorty at the Fillmore and spend the evening in the city.

In my defense, I'm broke. But when have I ever let that stop me before?

I know it's not the brokeness, it's this latent homebody that I seem to have channeled very recently. Something really crazy and amazing could happen here. It wouldn't be the first time.

Coming out of the dark

I stopped posting so frequently here for three reasons. First, the snafu with the Bee, when they published my Christmas lament without my permission. Second, my job, which makes me wary of writing about political issues -- since I don't want to give the impression that I can't be impartial via opining on political issues. And finally, Facebook has usurped all my blogging energy.

I no longer care whether the Bee publishes what I say. I willingly volunteer my opinions on occasion. My job has clarified its social media policy in such a way that I feel comfortable offering most of my opinions, and I still trust my judgement to know what's beyond the pale.

That leaves Facebook's siren song. I think the format of my blog makes me feel compelled to write large swaths of content, and facebook offers me a way to post and quickly spark conversations that I can dip into and leave as time permits. Blogging used to be more like that but has, for me, become more of a one-way street. So I'm looking for a way to combine the two. To start, I shall cross post, and go from there.

An ode to Grandma

My grandmother passed away on Wednesday. She had melanoma, and in the end, her death was swift. I was there - I arrived Tuesday around 2pm and said my goodbyes to her that night. She was basically in a coma, the result of brain tumors from the cancer. I feel badly that I didn't grasp the seriousness of her condition-- I'd planned to visit at the end of September, thinking I had a couple months to say my goodbyes. But between the time they found new tumors in her lungs (June) and discovered lesions in her brain (late August), she only had weeks.

Our relationship was complicated- largely by my ongoing issues with my mom-- and we didn't talk as much over the past several years as I would have liked. But I do have some good memories-- like when, in 2008, she was so excited to vote for Obama in the Montana Democratic primary (which fell on her birthday), and our 2006 family reunion at McMenamin's Edgefield, which she was pretty proud of herself for coordinating.I also liked to brag that my grandmother was adept at using email, digital cameras and instant messenger.

My Gramma Dorothy (as she signed her letters and cards) was a strong personality, which I'm sure is no surprise to anyone who knows me. She was very politically active and instrumental in establishing the art gallery in Polson, MT, after it was forced to move from the town library. As I was preparing to leave town to visit on Monday night, I took stock of how many things I've kept that she's given me. I have a few quilts, a painting, numerous cards and a box made from tea tree wood that she sent me when I was all of nine or ten.

I wish a lot of things could be different, but taken together, I'm glad to have known my grandmother and to carry her spirit forward. Rest in peace, Gramma Dorothy. I love you.

On the 10th Anniversary

Taken from my friend Camille's Facebook status: "I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo. "So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us." — J.R.R. Tolkien (The Fellowship of the Ring)

Altruism as justification for hedonism

I've never been able to prioritize well. I just sleep less and hope for the best.

But this year has been especially frenetic. Unlike in previous years, when all my free time was consumed by hanging out with friends doing things like bowling, drinking and talking, a bit of yoga and meditation, but generally just undirected laying about, this year has been fundamentally different. This is the year I woke up and realized my life was almost half over, and that, despite wanting to make significant societal contributions, my gifts had thus far consisted of money spent at bars, restaurants and clothing retailers. To be fair, I have contributed somewhat on the job, as the nature of my work is ostensibly to help improve state government. But, given that my coworkers are all entering the child rearing, generative phase of their lives, I was feeling sorely lacking.

So, acknowledging the guilt I was feeling, I sucked it up. I made (somewhat-- though perhaps not sufficiently--successful) efforts to address the flaws in my approach to work, as identified by my bosses. When a professor/mentor/colleague/friend called to recommend I apply for the redistricting advisory committee, I did. When my meditation teacher asked me to join a group of experienced practitioners in leading sessions, I agreed to participate. When another friend suggested I join the event planning committee for a homeless services agency fundraiser, I embraced it. When two friends from grad school contacted me about raising our school's profile and better engaging alumni, I enthusiastically agreed to help build a better organization. And, like always, I continued to volunteer when friends needed help.

But did I stop bowling? (Maybe just a little, for redistricting.) Did I stop eating out every other meal? (No, in fact, due to my even busier schedule, I probably eat out more now.) Did I stop imbibing just a little too much? (Heck no.) Did I curtail my shopping trips? (Only a smidgen.) Did I graciously but responsibly reject party invitations? (It is hilarious that I would voice this question, even rhetorically.)

However, today I am reminded of a moment back in February when I felt internal consternation at the hedonistic tenor my life had taken on, and I realize that I've only addressed half the problem. This is in large part due to my philosophy that good works entitle a person to good times. And so, like always, I've maintained a commitment to most every other thing in my life, and I've been unwilling to forgo a lot of the fun stuff. I continue to operate according to the opinion that, given my lack of direct responsibility to individuals (i.e. children, spouse), I shouldn't have to sacrifice fun for helping others.

(BTW, looking for volunteer opportunities in October!)

I might be ready to dial back the fun for a little more substance these days. I remember when I was in grad school and left my science curriculum job to work for a non-profit that helped build organizational capacity in small health-focused non-profits. That was really fulfilling work that prompted me to look for other opportunities to improve my community as well -- but at that point I felt too inexperienced to make much of a contribution. Now I face a different obstacle. Now, I can't help but feel stymied in my efforts to contribute because I am not following the general path of getting married, having kids, etc. that most women my age are already well along, and I feel like I have no credibility to speak for others when I'm not speaking from a place of shared self-interest based on shared experience. Sometimes, probably egotistically, I think that I'm trying to chart a new course for adulthood that doesn't involve traditional work and family structures, but mostly I just feel left out. In some ways, the altruism/hedonism dialectic allows me to feel less weird, because I can just attribute the no spouse/family thing to protracted adultolescence. (As an aside, this prompts me to think about corporate culture in an online, constantly surveilled world, and my evolving belief that no one should judge anyone for their personal choices, but I'll leave that for another post.)

In any case, I think my head and heart are in the right place, and it's just time I decided to grow up. 

Someday Soon

I haven't updated in a while-- too busy fighting the good fight on all fronts. I will remedy that situation soon. It feels like 2004 all over again.

An education

Remember when I wrote about city redistricting? Specifically, my hope that the committee would publicly and fairly vet ideas based on their merit, and that, by doing so, the council would have to heed the recommendations of the committee? The recommendations that were based on public input and our understanding of redistricting principles?

Well, I got wind that that was not going to be the case, so I wrote what I hoped was a good defense of our process, and got it published in the paper yesterday. I knew it wouldn't matter, though, and, if you read Cosmo Garvin's account of last night's events, you will see that it didn't.

And so concludes my first direct experience with city politics.

Self-censorship

Sometimes, I think the biggest key to success is being willing to say what you think and not caring about the consequences. I also often wish I had this ability.